day 2

he finally did grocery..but im surprised he bought 12cans instead of the regulsr 18 or 30 cans..probably because hes noy paid yet or my words struck him... yes..he
tried blaming me for his excessive drinking but the reality is he is  an alcoholic and he hid it from me until we got married..and i told it to his face how he deceived me and as for excessive drinking im not to blame other people havr problems too but they dont resort to drinking.

day 1..

i will take a picture of our fridge everyday..and the trashcan on the porch too..this is the fridge of an alcoholic..yes..my husband is alcoholic

injustice

im doing my kids, my stepkids, my husband and myself injustice in staying in this marriage.
i should not have married in haste and give in to his pressure of marrying too quickly when i havent even met his kids.
and not knowing exactly what i am getting myself into.i didnt even know if i want to be a stepmom.. the thought didnt enter my head until i finally met his exwife and kids.. but twas too late.. were married and i was pregnant.. the reality that his exwife will always be in our life and i am but a second wife hit me hard as its like im sharing this marriage..i cant and wont have my own little family of my own.. not exactly what i want. call it selfish..who wants to be a second wife?and wont you rather be a mom than a stepmom?
so it was too late when i realized i didnt want to be in a stepfamily..
and husband's controlling,manipulative and arrogant attitude doesnt help.the many bad blood between us, the condescending joke and name calling, the  manipulation and patronizing... his favorite daughter.. aka.. possessive jealous mini wife, and the bitchy adopted daughter arent much of a help either.
i know we need to sepa
rate..were both miserable. were totally incompatible. hes agnostic, im traditional catholic, he has vices, i dont, hes values and beliefs are different than mine and i came from conservative traditional family, he grew up from broken home with string of stepdad and stepmoms.  his other kids have different moms except our kids who are full siblings. and he doesnt get aling with those moms except with his exwife that he deeply love, unfortunately shes too much to handle for him so he let go as shes independent and strong minded..he met me and he thought asians are more submissive.. i have to admit i was naive but i learned quick.he married me not out of love but to settle down as hes sick of being alone and the thought of growing alone worries him. he hardlyknows me, havent even met my family, and i havent even met his.how do you love someone you only dated twice? my common sense was screaming at me but i turned deaf to its call.
imstaying for all the wrong reasons.. but i dont know how to get out..

life has a funny way

of playing with our life..or destiny as you call it.. or maybe it was lapse of judgment.. marry in haste repent in leisure.. so i was inlove and he was in a hurry to get married and i ignored red flags.. and took the plunge.. my mistake i said yes way too quickly and before i could step back and say no, it was a mistake, i got pregnant. its not my son's fault but thw circumstances made it improbable to leave immediately and i got stuck.. and everyday i see the real him his vices his attitude and the situation i got myself into..the more i regret and hate what i got myself into..

aching needs

as much as i try to ignore.. my body aches for physical intimacy.. i need to feel wanted.. desired.. cherished.. i long to feel a strong arm around me.. a warm body.. a sweet but sensual kiss.. but i look at my husband and its like ive been doused with ice cold water. i couldnt surrender my body to him anymore.i couldnt let go of myself to embrace him.its like hes covered with thorn all over his body..like a cactus.

bed of nails

funny but our bed is supposed to be warm cozy comfortable  but i guess if you are sharing it with someone you cant even have normal conversation it feels like a bed of nails and though it still aches a bit when he decides to sleep on the couch, the feeling of relief is bigger.

afterthoughts

i cant help but think of the past.and i keep rewinding the events in my head. i knew there were uncertainties but i still went on and marry him inspite of the nagging feelings. i know i made  a mistake but i dont know how to correct it. we have a loveless marriage. our kids are affected by it. i am struggling as a stepmom, i know now im not a stepmom material. i couldnt cope and i couldnt and wouldnt change myself just to fit in. this isnt how what i expected. should i have taken more time to know him better and his family, i would have known its not what i want. but i allowed myself to be push to decide immediately by his emotional blackmail called ultimatum. why didnt i see that hesnot really interested and inlove with me. he didnt take time to know me better, nor my family, he thought i was one of those submissive asian who vows to their western husband. i was naive at first but ihave learned fast. and now i try not to let him manipulate and control me. everyday is a struggle.a battle. im just sick and tired of the power trip.